I LOVE ABSORBINE, JR.

How to know if you're really an old woman inhabiting the body of a late-twenties mental patient:

First, you wake up one morning with a shoulder injury (could it be that you've been attempting yogic handstands without instruction?).

Second, you buy some Absorbine, Jr. pads and walk around the house with them on while wearing tank tops.

Third, you begin re-using the pads so that you won't have to go back to Walgreens more than once a day because everytime you go, you end up buying more blue eye make-up.

Fourth, you begin cutting up the Absorbine, Jr. pads into small strips so that you can get more use out of them.

Fifth, you write a letter to the Absorbine, Jr. people requesting that they use better adhesive so that the pads can be re-used and people can start getting their money's worth.