Chapter 2: The Gathering of Evidence

Report of the #1 P.W.T. Detective Agency Regarding the Gathering of Evidence in the Case of the Missing Owl

Between May 19 and May 24, 2005, the following notes were taken during interviews with suspects and/or persons otherwise related to the missing (if you are not familiar with this case, you can read more about on the post entitled "Chapter 1: The Missing" -- see sidebar at right):

Interview 1
Name: Jefe (the) Warden (pronounced Heff-ay)
DOB: about 1970
Occupation: Park Manager
Notes: When asked about his opinion of Ophelia's current whereabouts, interviewee replied, "I believe the owl has been stolen for the purpose of spectator entertainment at an amateur sporting event, namely, a minor league baseball game." Interviewee also indicated that one of the suspects in the case, Ann Uno, had keys to the bird cages from when she was employed by the park and thus had not only the motive, but also the means for taking Ophelia. When asked about efforts to strengthen security, interviewee replied, "We've locked down the barn and posted 'Neighborhood Watch' signs around the area. We do believe this was an intentional owlnapping by a human, but just to cover the bases* we have loaded up on no-kill varmint traps so four-legged critters have about the chance of a turd on a buffet line of making it into the rental cages."

*Investigator's footnote: Pun intended?

Interview 2
Name: Ann Uno
DOB: about 1964
Occupation: Naturalist (previously Ann Uno was a park ranger at the park in question; however, she was moved "downtown" to the state office building after an altercation with Interviewee 1 over no-kill mouse traps.)
Notes: Interviewee maintained a smirk throughout the questioning. Interviewee was sullen and didn't even ask about the investigator's prize baby (which she good and well knew about) or say thank you for the Barbara Kingsolver book (Prodigal Summer, which involves a lady park ranger getting involved in a steamy relationship deep within the mountainous forests of Appalachia -- prime reading material for someone in interviewee's position) that investigator had given to her some 3 years earlier in exchange for a Sibley's Guide to Birds of the West. Interviewee repeatedly decried her status as suspect and claims to have a strong alibi. Investigator needs to follow up on the alibi, who can supposedly be found ushering on Saturday nights at the Grand Ole Opry.

Interview 3
Name: Ann Dos
DOB: about 1965
Occupation: Park Ranger
Notes: Ann Dos was interviewed during one of her daily park-combings in which she desperately scours the land for tracks or remnants of Ophelia. On this particular day she was out by the old barn where Ophelia was renting a cage. When asked why she thought Ophelia was still alive (rather than believing the popular owlnapping for spectator entertainment theory), interviewee replied, "Well, see there's this woman at the church that teaches the 4th grade Sunday School class. I teach the 5th and 6th graders and we bring them together for prayer time just before they go to Children's Church. During this time I mentioned the owl as a prayer request and she told me that just the night before, she had had a vision of an owl, alive, well, and eating chipmunks roasted on an open fire."

Interview 4
Name: Mary Katherine Lewis
DOB: about 1985
Occupation: President, Vanderbilt University chapter of Chi Omega
Notes: Interviewee made it clear from the get-go that she did not have time to be bothered with matters being investigated by the #1 P.W.T. Detective Agency. Detective replied that she is friends with Vandy's Panhellenic/Greek Advisor, having once gotten drunk and peed side-by-side with her in a Jewish cemetary while being watched by the Director of Student Affairs at a small Methodist college in Jackson, MS. Interviewee then complied but only said that she didn't know anything about the missing owl and that the last thing any of her girls would ever do is to steal "that offensive creature whose parasite made its way back to the Chi Omega house via the underwear of one of the pledges participating in the environmental project." Apparently the pledge was attacked by an owl parasite, a screaming fit ensued, and she fled to the visitor center bathroom where a ranger helped her search (to no avail) for the moth-like creature. The parasite had taken up residence in her panties and then revealed itself in the dining room of the Chi Omega House at dinner that night. The detective is also familiar with these parasites, having once brought one home and enduring repeated assaults in the shower, where the parasite is STILL living out its days because detective's Husband refuses to exterminate. Due to the traumatic nature of these kind of parasitic attacks, detective concludes that the Vanderbilt chapter of Chi Omega is indeed innocent.

Interview 5
Name: Randy the Raccoon
DOB: about 2003
Occupation: Pest Control
Notes: Interviewee failed to show up for scheduled interview.

Investigator's Final Remarks:
From these three interviews, it seems that Ann Uno is still the prime suspect given her shady history, lack of etiquette, and coarse, in-need-of-Aveda-products hair. But before the final judgement is passed, Uno's alibi will be tracked and interviewed.

Tune in next time when the #1 P.W.T. Detective Agency reports from the Grand Ole Opry.