The Great Bondini is Back

Well, we survived the holiday weekend with Husband's in-laws. In fact, it was actually fun. I can't believe I just wrote that, but it's true. And by the way, nothing in this particular post is a lie or even an exaggeration. Really. There've been some comments about how disappointing it is that some of this isn't true -- but take heart! It would even less interesting if I didn't exaggerate a little every now and then.

So, here's the story of the recent parental visit:

As we sat down to dinner on Saturday night--a lovely take-out meal from an Asian fusion restaurant nearby--the conversation turned to the availability of good Asian food in Mississippi, which to my daddy means the Chinese buffet place. He announced that the next time we visit, we will have to check out the China Buffet 2 (#1 burned to the ground a few years back). Then from that topic, the conversation went to other issues from "home": who is getting divorced and married and pregnant, who has died or been born, who is just DYING to see the prize baby, and, oh speaking of that, when are we coming to visit again?

Now it's important to add, at this point, that my daddy is 70 and hard of hearing, because otherwise you don't get the full picture of what conversation is like when he's around. Matter of fact, "hard of hearing" is an underestimation, because I remember making fun of him 15 years ago for this problem. You see, the beautiful thing about his being half deaf is that his ears themselves are GIGANTIC. When I was in middle school, I used to get in trouble for laughing at him in the afternoons when he sat in his la-z-boy chair in front of a west-facing window with his ears lit up like an adult bookstore. The contrast between the large ears and the hearing loss was just too much for me to handle as an adolescent (or now). It's just freaking hilarious to me. So because he misses much of what is said, it has always been a major temptation for me to make fun of him since he hardly ever catches on.

Due to the hearing problem, he often blurts out unrelated snippets of information (usually about whose yard he has recently mowed, how many times Pappaw has asked where I live, or who's not tithing appropriately -- he's the money counter at the church). Other times he catches certain words or phrases that interest him more than his food and sweet tea and yells out, "Huh?" repeatedly until my mother acknowledges him and repeats everything in excruciating detail.

There are some other things you should know about my daddy, as well. And this is why I wrote earlier that none of this is a lie or even exaggeration: He really was a P.I. when I was in high school. After he retired from the highway patrol, he filled in at the police department in our tiny little town as the detective.

OK, so back to Chinese food and the news from home. At some point in the conversation, my daddy looks up from his food, raises his butt up off the chair and begins digging around frantically in his back pocket while announcing: "Oh yeah, I brought y'all some more Bondini. It took me forever to find it up in that new Wal-Mart they built, but finally I found over in the light bulb section." Nothing gets past this P.I.

Now, for those of you who don't know, Bondini Magic Gel ("AS SEEN ON TV") is basically super glue, but it will bond anything, including wood, ceramic, rubber, metal, leather, oily & dirty surfaces, uneven surfaces, hair, fingernails, and even eyelids. There's a note on the package that says, "Caution: Eye Irritant. Bonds skin & eyes in seconds." You've gotta wonder about the situation that prompted that disclaimer.

When Husband and I first got married, my daddy would bring up the topic of Bondini nearly every time we saw my parents and of course, it became the butt of many jokes: lost your fingernail? Here's some Bondini. Broke the antique ceramic vase passed down through four generations? Get the Bondini. Wanna glue my daddy's mouth shut so he'll stop telling real life stories of the highway patrol and talking about Bondini? Well, we've tried, and even the MAGIC GEL can't fix that problem.

I guess he forgot about it for a while, but WHEW!! he brought some more for this visit and now we have a brand new bottle.

So in case you're wondering how to fix the many problems in your life, I'm guessing that this right here is the answer to several of them. I just hope my daddy doesn't discover that only a few miles from my house is a real-live, "As Seen on TV" store where you can get Bondini (or magnetic vibrawave pest repellent) in bulk.