I LOVE BALD YANKEES
Yesterday I awakened to the chickens clucking hysterically. It woke me and the prize baby up around 7:30 a.m. Apparently Husband had been awake for quite awhile and had already made some muffins, plucked a couple of eggs, watered the plants, and gotten in a little target practice.
As I walked past the window in the hallway on my way to get the Goose up, I noticed a man standing on the roof of the garage (which is about eye level if you're upstairs ... the second floor doesn't extend the entire length of the house, so there's a good view of the roof).
This person looked like Husband, but I just kept thinking (in my early-morning haze) that B doesn't own any red shorts. I didn't have my glasses on, but I could definitely see the red shorts and I could also tell that whoever it was had a rifle. I quickly set down the baby and grabbed my glasses to run back to the window and check this out and lo and behold there stood Husband in his red boxer shorts (with meese all over them -- see, you just thought that "moose" was a noncount noun) with no shirt on, aiming a .22 rifle at a feral cat who was eyeing the chickens. And what's even better is that his boss was driving by just at the right time and got pictures of this lovely event (I haven't obtained copies yet). The cat survived the incident but, sadly, was later gunned down with a shotgun. You gotta love a man who protects his chickens and the songbirds with such abandon.
In fact, this whole scenario has gotten me thinking about why I love B, and here are just a few random stories and quotes to give you a taste of what my life is like with him:
Before we became teachers in the Mississippi Delta (that's how we met), I was in college being relatively normal while Husband was living in Los Angeles working for Federal Express. He had a route that was mostly business deliveries, but on some days he got the distinct honor of delivering Fed Ex packages to the stars (including, but not limited to Heather Locklear, Will Smith, and the man who plays Frasier on the show by the same name).
On one very special occasion, Heather Locklear herself came to the door. He says she was about as tall as his waist and perfectly polite (but that Will Smith could use some manners). Husband was so flustered by the interaction with the blonde bombshell that he drove the Fed Ex truck into the security gate that surrounds her house. Luckily, Fed Ex took care of it.
Stories of L.A. live on in his mind and come up at unexpected times in our lives. For example, the other day as we were driving around running errands and listening to hip hop music (it's all for The Goose), a Busta Rhymes (sp?) song came on, and Husband said, "You gotta love Busta Rhymes. He's been around forever. One time I saw him in a Denny's in L.A."
Now, dear reader, do you think you would recognize Busta Rhymes if you saw him in a Denny's in L.A.? Would you even go to a Denny's in L.A.?
I didn't think so.
Point: Husband is very hip (or should we say, "hip-hop"?).
Other recent stories of interest include his proclivity for trapping mice and putting them in the freezer in our garage (right next to the breast milk) so that he can feed them to the as yet un-kidnapped, captive birds of prey. Now, dear reader, does your freezer contain anything as remotely interesting as bags of breast milk with cutesy sayings on them (e.g., "LEFT BOOB, 4 OUNCES IN 15 MINUTES FLAT" or "This Boob's for You") or mice in ziploc freezer bags with glazed-over eyes?
I didn't think so.
Point: Husband finds uses for everything (and is married to a total lunatic).
Finally, I would like to leave you with a few of my favorite Husbandisms:
As I walked past the window in the hallway on my way to get the Goose up, I noticed a man standing on the roof of the garage (which is about eye level if you're upstairs ... the second floor doesn't extend the entire length of the house, so there's a good view of the roof).
This person looked like Husband, but I just kept thinking (in my early-morning haze) that B doesn't own any red shorts. I didn't have my glasses on, but I could definitely see the red shorts and I could also tell that whoever it was had a rifle. I quickly set down the baby and grabbed my glasses to run back to the window and check this out and lo and behold there stood Husband in his red boxer shorts (with meese all over them -- see, you just thought that "moose" was a noncount noun) with no shirt on, aiming a .22 rifle at a feral cat who was eyeing the chickens. And what's even better is that his boss was driving by just at the right time and got pictures of this lovely event (I haven't obtained copies yet). The cat survived the incident but, sadly, was later gunned down with a shotgun. You gotta love a man who protects his chickens and the songbirds with such abandon.
In fact, this whole scenario has gotten me thinking about why I love B, and here are just a few random stories and quotes to give you a taste of what my life is like with him:
Before we became teachers in the Mississippi Delta (that's how we met), I was in college being relatively normal while Husband was living in Los Angeles working for Federal Express. He had a route that was mostly business deliveries, but on some days he got the distinct honor of delivering Fed Ex packages to the stars (including, but not limited to Heather Locklear, Will Smith, and the man who plays Frasier on the show by the same name).
On one very special occasion, Heather Locklear herself came to the door. He says she was about as tall as his waist and perfectly polite (but that Will Smith could use some manners). Husband was so flustered by the interaction with the blonde bombshell that he drove the Fed Ex truck into the security gate that surrounds her house. Luckily, Fed Ex took care of it.
Stories of L.A. live on in his mind and come up at unexpected times in our lives. For example, the other day as we were driving around running errands and listening to hip hop music (it's all for The Goose), a Busta Rhymes (sp?) song came on, and Husband said, "You gotta love Busta Rhymes. He's been around forever. One time I saw him in a Denny's in L.A."
Now, dear reader, do you think you would recognize Busta Rhymes if you saw him in a Denny's in L.A.? Would you even go to a Denny's in L.A.?
I didn't think so.
Point: Husband is very hip (or should we say, "hip-hop"?).
Other recent stories of interest include his proclivity for trapping mice and putting them in the freezer in our garage (right next to the breast milk) so that he can feed them to the as yet un-kidnapped, captive birds of prey. Now, dear reader, does your freezer contain anything as remotely interesting as bags of breast milk with cutesy sayings on them (e.g., "LEFT BOOB, 4 OUNCES IN 15 MINUTES FLAT" or "This Boob's for You") or mice in ziploc freezer bags with glazed-over eyes?
I didn't think so.
Point: Husband finds uses for everything (and is married to a total lunatic).
Finally, I would like to leave you with a few of my favorite Husbandisms:
- "I think any movie with Tooth Face [Julia Roberts] or Leonardo DiCRAPio should be banned from this house."
- "Kim, you may have WILL and you may have POWER, but you do not have the two together."
- "Itch cream, the patch [AJ], and the Newton Tigers blue pajamas ... I might as well go sleep downstairs."
- "I just put on my khaki shorts and a brown recluse ran out of them and scurried down my leg. Now I've gotta worry that my penis is gonna rot off. I think I should start wearing underwear."
I love you BB!
posted by Kimpossible @ 6/09/2005 09:43:00 PM
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