Let's Get a Few Things Straight

What happens ... if ... ???

1. If your toddler gets dog poop on his shoes, just let him splash through a waist-deep mud puddle and that shit'll come right off.
2. If you got your left leg blown off by American-dropped bombs in Somalia and then you move here with a regugee relocation program and then you get a job as a taxi driver and then you enroll in my writing class at the community college and then you write your diagnostic essay about how you want to learn how to write better so that you can inspire young people to "take up pens instead of guns" ... then chances are good that you will get an "A" in my class and make me feel so lucky. Too lucky.
3. If you ask me if I am a good mom, I think I would, finally, answer "maybe" (rather than an emphatic "no") ... because now that I'm working, I'm better able to treasure each moment (even the bad ones). I only have so many of them left: between 1:00 p.m. and bedtime everyday I have to get in all the good stuff. There have been fewer tantrums in our house (not from The Goose, his are still Serious Competition for the World Record Number of Tantrums in One Day) ... MINE. I am no longer screaming, "This is all YOUR fault" at Husband at totally inappropriate times. I'm more patient, more compassionate, more motherly. And I'm happy about it.
4. If, when asked to write a paragraph describing one person in the classroom (without giving his/her name), you write a paragraph about ME (teacher) that includes the phrases, "She has sexy, wavy hair" and "She wears really tight pants" then you are NOT likely to get an "A" despite your pathetic attempts at flattery.
5. If you have some cute, big, teacherly pants for sale, I'll buy them.

Chiao.