Post-Holiday Thoughts

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Is there any excuse for the outfits that The Goose & I have on in this picture? Good Lord.

Can I please just share with y'all some of the conversations held between my parents and me during my parents' New Year's visit? Yes, let me:

Mom: You know you should really have that laser eye surgery. Sheryl and Addy have both had it and they swear by it. Not that it helps Addy. She is still gone from work half the week for her hemmorhoids or her sinuses or something. (Writer's note: Addy's name is Addy Earl Hamm and she dated a man named Junior who left her for his 20-year-old secretary. After this happened my mother said, "I could just skin him.")

Me: I'm not eligible for that surgery because I have a scar on my cornea due to getting a piece of lead in my eye in first grade.

Mom: I know, and I still feel bad about that ... we treated you for pinkeye for nearly a week before we figured out it wasn't working. And then that opthamologist sucked it out with a magnet. With a refrigerator magnet!

My dad: Huh?

Mom: We were just talking about her eyes.

Dad: What about 'em?

Mom: We were just wondering if she's eligible for laser eye surgery.

Me: I just told you that I'm NOT eligible because of that scar.

Dad: Remember the time you got that piece a lead in there? That scared the devil outta me when you had that lead in there. They were tossin' around the idea of surgery and all I could see was havin' a blind girl who could never be Miss Mississippi.

Me: Instead you got a seeing girl who could have been Miss Mississippi but chose to be liberal instead.

Dad: Huh?

Mom: Quit doin' that to him. You know his heart is bad.

Me: Mom, he can't hear anyway.

Mom: Well, he can hear a lot more than you think.

Me: Really? Watch this ... Daddy! George Bush sucks!

Mom: Don't say "sucks." It reminds of that New Kids on the Block concert that you made me chaperone when you were in 7th grade.

Dad: Huh?

Mom: Now she's talkin' about New Kids on the Block.

Me: I am?

Mom: Remember when they encouraged the whole audience to chant "DRUGS SUCK!"?

Me: Yes, I remember very clearly. I remember you leaning over two other moms to say, "We're leavin' soon and I better not catch you using language like that."

Dad: Huh?

Yeah. And when "Wheel of Fortune" is on, you can say just about anything to anybody and get away with it. You can even say things like ISN'T IT JUST TOO BAD THAT THAT SOUTHERN BAPTIST PREACHER GOT CAUGHT PROPOSITIONING AN UNDERCOVER POLICE OFFICER and no one will even notice.

Husband just came in and said, "With that cough, Kim, you really shouldn't be drinkin' wine. You should be drinkin' water."

Then the "f" word was exchanged a few times. Why is the "f" word so effective in expressing what we mean?

Anyway ... I don't listen to him a whole lot.

Can I just be real honest about marriage for a minute?

Marriage is really just about putting up with someone else's shit. So you better pick your shit carefully. I did pretty good at picking a minimalist who, by nature, has very little shit, so I'm proud of myself. But some of y'all who read this really have some SHIT to deal with. And I'm sorry about that. I'm thinking about going back to school to become a therapist and one of my ploys to get patients is to give discounts to self-proclaimed husband eaters. Because likely if you're tempted to eat him, then he deserves it.

I mean, really, I'm totally not complaining. Because Husband irons my clothes and shops for groceries and cooks most of the time. Not that that's ALL ... I mean, I like to hang out with him too ... I'm just sayin'.

Happy New Year y'all.