Things I need to say about the holidays

First of all, before I forget, let me just add a note about my last post: after all that shit with the ink cartridges, I failed to mention that I DROPPED the damn thing on my favorite cords and ruined them. Then I got in a huff and dumped an ENTIRE bottle of bleach into the washer with the pants thinking I could just bleach the shit out of them. Didn't work. Ink spots still there along with big patches of white.

And now, on with the show ...

I made those cookies up there in that picture. Please stop reading right now and look again at that picture and say this out loud: SHE MADE THOSE COOKIES! Then say this: I BET SHE WILL NEVER DO THAT SHIT AGAIN SINCE IT TOOK ALL FREAKIN' DAY AND THEN SHE DROPPED THEM ON THE WAY TO DELIVER THEM TO HUSBAND'S CO-WORKERS.

ION ...

I'd like to send a shout-out to B's boss for allowing him to work until 5:30 p.m. on CHRISTMAS EVE since we have an 11-hour drive ahead of us. Merry Christmas to you too and I hope you don't get the shits even though I dumped some ex-lax into your Christmas cookies this year.

I'd also like to send a shout-out to my friends who have sent photo Christmas cards in the mail. In fact, this year, I'm giving awards (not prizes, mind you, just awards):

4th place: My friend Rene who dressed her ENTIRE family (herself, her husband and two kids) in matching green and red striped pajamas and got them to all smile beautifully while sitting in front of her department-store perfect Christmas tree. And even though her husband is in a VERY FAMOUS COUNTRY BAND WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, I am not going to attempt to sell it on e-bay.

3rd place: My friend Caleigh for the photo card from her dog, Gidget Ann ... Gidget Ann's eyes were weirdly possessed looking, but damn! she's a good-looking Jack Russell. And how cute to write, "Happy Holidays, from Gidget Ann (and Caleigh & Scott)."

2nd place: My friend Catherine for the photo card from her and her dog, Gidget Ann ... again, we have the possessed eyes, but since Catherine is there with her ni the picture looking SOOOOOOOO cute, this one just had to get kudos.

How the F did I manage to get two Christmas cards from dogs named GIDGET ANN?

And now ... the big winner is ...

1st place: My friend The Queen, for her photo card of a toilet out in her yard with a poinsettia in the bowl, and the quote, "Wishing you a shitty Christmas!!!" Delightful.

Other things I need to say about the holidays:

• There are people driving around this town with wreaths on their automobiles that are nicer than the two I have on my house.
• I am perfectly OK with the fact that we did not buy The Goose any Christmas gifts (except for that damn Peek-a-zoo and a $1 dog on wheels -- have y'all seen Targets ONE SPOT section? Wow. It's too much ... and everything is $1. Too much). He is one and he doesn't know it's Christmas and I will spend the rest of my life providing his Santa Claus crap so there's no need to rush it. Plus, we're poor because I just had to have a new car last May. Even though I STILL miss Rhonda the Honda in a devastating sort of way.
• All I asked for for Christmas was a set of measuring spoons with a 1/8 teaspoon. So far I have gotten an apron, a tacky picture frame, an anniversary edition of The Sound of Music (and y 'all: it has karaoke in three different languages -- oh yeah ... that's what I did all day today while simultaneously vacuuming and stuffing veggie snackin' crackers into Goose's piehole), a bag of gourmet coffee, and some men's socks. I can't wait to see what else is in store.

This is my last post before we take off to the northland. I hope all of you have lovely holidays filled with non-psychotic relatives and lots of eggnogg or whatever else you like to numb it with.

Feliz Navidad.