Just call me a MOP

Yesterday I woke up and realized that I have only ONE friend my age in the Nashvegas area and she doesn't have kids. I love her, don't get me wrong, but I need some close mommy friends. So I got online and started researching mom's groups. I discovered that one was actually meeting in just a few hours, so I girded my loins and went.

I'm not sure how cool it is to associate myself with a group whose name is the same as the house cleaning implement that I hate the most, but at least I made an effort. I went to a mom's group called MOPS (moms of pre-schoolers) which meets at a local Baptist church. Unbeknownst to me, MOPS is a Christian group, which is fine ... I just didn't know that ahead of time and wasn't expecting the devotional time and the Bible verses and whatnot. And because I may go back, and because I may make some friends there (instead of staying home and blogging and being a scary internet mom stalker -- sorry to all those people who are victims of this -- now you know why), I will resist the urge to make fun of the meeting.

OK, I can't stand it. Following are quotes that entertained me:

"In the battle of David and Goliath, David succeeded and Goliath failed because while Goliath was focused on the battle, David was focused on the strength of Jesus Christ."

At this point I was really tempted to raise my hand and say something like, "I hate to play Devil's Advocate, but wasn't the story of David and Goliath in the OLD Testament ... and wasn't that before the birth of Jesus Christ?" I'm just not sure how welcome that would've made me.

"Hey y'all, my name is Krista and I have two kids-- both boys--and one on the way. This one is our last. My husband would like to just keep having them until I'm blue, but I have finally put my foot down because he's not the one that has to take care of them all the time and it is just exhausting."

Ummmmmm ... no shit. And which part of you is it that would turn blue if you kept having kids?

"The thing that I like about quilting is that you can be as 'by-the-book' or as 'off-the-wall' as you want and IT'S ALL OK. It really is OK to do it the easy way and use a sewing machine or use NO PATTERN AT ALL. I know that sounds crazy, but it really is OK. You can even use BLACK fabric."

This is just classic. I just nodded and nodded and added "sewing machine" to the Christmas list that my mom makes me give her in October of every year.

I really may go back even though it is horribly mean that I have made fun of this group here on the WWW. I have never claimed to be that great of a person. Maybe that's why I have no friends here. Note to self.

ION ...

One of my old officemates from NAU has accepted a professorship at Middle Tennessee State University and has moved to Murfreesboro (30 minutes from us) with his 37-weeks-pregnant-with-stripped-membranes wife. We had them over for dinner tonight and Husband and I managed to finish off most of two bottles of wine BY OURSELVES while congenially chatting about epidurals, electric breast pumps (can you believe that I didn't even tell the NWA story??), cribs, co-sleeping, etc. Luckily, I did not say anything embarrassing about how I can shoot milk across the room from my right nipple (the left one can only go a few feet), or ask if they wanted to see the pictures of the Goose's placenta, or tell them about how long it took my vagina to heal after labor, which is what I have done in the past during our dinner parties involving wine. That's what happens when you stay home all day with no one to talk to but a whiney baby ... WHO, by the way, has again won over my heart by discovering my toes and laughing everytime I wiggle them or say, "Whooo-wheee--you stink!" while wiping his butt.

I wish that I had a funny country or rap lyric to leave you with but due to this Katrina stuff, I have been glued on NPR. However, I do have a story that you might enjoy ...

My mother's gynecologist ...

You know it's going to be good when it starts like that!

... just recently retired and she had to get a new one after some 40 years of seeing the same doctor. She was VERY nervous about the change because the only doctor who had openings for new patients was rumored to have had an affair with one of his nurses. She had been telling me that the first visit with the new doctor was impending and I had been trying to reassure her that everything was pretty standard amongst gynecologists and that it probably wouldn't be that different than the old one. To this, she replied, "Yes, Dorcas (a colleague at her work) has been to him and has told me that, but it doesn't make any difference, I'm still nervous. Dorcas said that he was very charming and gentle, which makes sense, given his track record. Also, she said that it was better than Dr. Lindley because at this new doctor you don't have to take off all your clothes and sit on the table totally naked while waiting for him to come in ... they give you a sheet or something to cover up with."

At this point, I interrupt her and say, "Dr. Lindley had you sit on the table with NO CLOTHES ON while waiting for him to come in?"

"Of course," she says, "Sometimes for more than an hour, and it's really cold!"

OK, so her old doctor made her sit naked on the examining table while waiting for long periods of time and she's worried about the new doctor because he supposedly had an affair with a nurse? Am I the only one out there who thinks that's weird? I have never had to sit on a table naked at ANY doctor's office, and I've been to quite a few. Even the ones who have to walk you out to your car with a loaded gun (like my psychologist in Greenville, MS) definitely don't do anything that weird. I used to call him my mental masseuse (sp?).

One more thing that I must say, which is positive, and thus important (because there are so FEW positive things here):

AUTUMN IS HERE! It's cool at night and in the mornings and yay yaya yayayyayay AMERICA!

Also, one last funny thing:

I saw an ad in a coupon clipper magazine for a hot-air balloon ride that said, "FALL IN MIDDLE TENNESSEE." They meant like the season, like "autumn," but chose this unfortunate word instead. I'm sending it in to Jay Leno.

Tah-tah.