Progress Report

Here's a report about my progress in various areas:

• Dieting for 10-year high school reunion: BUST! (As in bust a whole in your jeans because you ate too many sweet rolls at your in-laws house last week.) My failures are exacerbated by my hatred for Tammilee (of the Arms/Abs of Steel videos). Today I was trying to just lift my stupid five pounders and she was going on and on about how water and rubber bands or tubing are bearable weights and that weight-weights are not. And how we don’t know how much weight we're "bearing" with water, but with a weight, we know. Then she says, “Like this weight I have here is five pounds. It tells me it's five pounds.” My question: If water/tubing/bands are bearable, then what’s the name for other types of weights … UNbearable? In my opinion, yes.
• Being Mother Goose: OK. I didn't sneak into the school. Rather, I marched proudly to the door and peeked through the window like any normal overprotective parent. Tonight I went to open house and met the teacher, Miss Sarah, who was just a titch unfriendly yesterday when we first met her (she was running late and all four of the kids in her class were SCREAMING). But tonight she was better and I found out that she is studying at the community college where I teach. A community college, I might add, that has an entire degree program in Early Childhood Education. Interestingly enough, she opted for photography. Whatever. She is certified in infant CPR and she is brave enough to attempt projects with them that involve glue/paint (they're 10-13 months old!).
• Keeping up with current events: GREAT! Next to internet stalking, this is my second-favorite hobby. Today I read two fascinating articles in the NYT online. The first was about how maggots and leeches are coming back into vogue in the medical world. Yeah. The second was about a robotic baby doll named Amazing Amanda (does that sound creepily like a porn star to anyone else?). Amanda can respond to certain voice commands and can also interract with her accoutrements. For example, if she asks for peas, and you give her a cookie, she'll respond by saying something like, "I asked for peas and this is a cookie. Cookies and peas are very different." Now, what are we teaching little kids by having polite dolls? That actual children are polite? First of all, I've never heard a kid ask for peas. Secondly, I've never heard a kid, when given a cookie, protest. And third, I think a more natural response would be something like, "COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE!!! NOW!" rather than some overpolite robot crap. She probably also says, “I just had a BM” rather than “Oh no, I just shit my pants again. Didn’t I just do that like twenty minutes ago?” Which is probably what my child will say, given his input.
• Killing BRs: So-So. We had an exterminator come and check us out and his recommendation was NOT to spray due to the sucking-on-everything baby but instead to put out glue traps. The glue traps are to be placed under things (ideally so that the baby cannot get to them). The traps are covered with a BONDINI-like adhesive which can catch all manner of varmints, including huge beetles and even MICE. However, we have caught relatively few WHOLE adult BRs. They seem to be good at getting away (minus a couple legs here and there). The babies get caught, but the adults, apparently, are stronger than mice. Am I just being a worry wart, or does that bother anyone else? The babies are actually harmless because they're not strong enough to penetrate the epidermis (or rip their legs off trying to escape from a glue trap). But the adults, which look like this: can cause wounds that look like this (WARNING: Do not click on the previous link if you are squeamish). p.s. We found one in our bed and on The Goose's changing table.
• Preparing my will: NOT SO GOOD. I just can't decide who to give all my stuff to! I mean there is really a lot of really really very really good stuff around here. Like the cardboard entertainment center on top of which sits the 13-inch, circa 1993 TV! And the Barbra Streisand records! And the bulk-sized box of Absorbine Junior! And the broken breast pump! And then there's George the Lizard and the girls! Do we have to set a custodian for them? This is important stuff, I know. Not the kind of stuff you can just die and leave unattended.

ION ...

I am teaching TWO classes this semester: Communication Skills (advanced academic listening/speaking) and Literacy II (beginning reading and writing). With that plus my Spanish conversation partner and the creepy-crawly baby, I know I say this a lot, but Lord Help Us All. This is looking like one helluva fall (pun intended).