The Final Chapter

Glen, P.I. & The Apprentice
Originally uploaded by Kimpossible, HEM, PWTPI.

Well we made it home unscathed. The party went off without a hitch. The Apprentice was apparently playing the quiet game with himself (he should've been playing it with his kids, but that's another post altogether). Here he is with my dad (aka Glen, P.I.) watching a ballgame on TV while the women bustled around preparing the cake, ice cream, and gifts. If you click on the picture, you can see some other photos from the trip and also a really bitchy comment about that shirt that The Apprentice is wearing.

Pappaw didn't quite understand what it meant to blow out the candles, so instead he carved out a big piece of icing and licked it right off the knife. My kinda guy. The kids blew out the candles for him.

Believe it or not, the story of The Apprentice and His Bad Karma continues ...

As you know, on the way down south, they had a blowout in their Large Vehicle, and had to get four new tires in Kentucky. Apparently The Apprentice was driving his Ilovemywifemobile, which he deposited at his office in Nashville (who knew that chandelier companies need branch offices?). From there, he got into the Large Vehicle with my cousin and the kids and they continued southward. While in Mississippi, the kids fished a lot and The Apprentice took lots of “naps” in my aunt’s basement and went “running” several times a day (translation: AVOIDANCE OF YOUR INLAWS). Sunday morning they left Mississippi heading back north to Nashville where they will be spending the week (he’s working here and she and the kids are playing at the hotel pool — they’re not sure whether they’ll have time to see us again but took down our number just in case). Once they arrived in Nashville on Sunday, they went to pick up the Ilovemywifemobile, and lo and behold, his car keys were not in his pants pocket. I swear I did not steal them, but they called me at my parents’ house to find out if I had seen them. I really did not take them, although in retrospect, that would’ve been a fabulous idea.

Otherwise, the trip was uneventful. I only had one breakdown and it was shortlived. The other funny picture I wanted to share was of The Goose’s dining area at my mom’s house. I asked her to please set up a place where he could fling food onto cleanable surfaces, and this is what she came up with:



I got to meet lots of interesting people at Pappaw’s home. Pappaw’s roommate is quite a character. He is a retired chemistry professor with a physical disability that prevents him from living alone. He dutifully reads his Bible and cleans their room everyday and on Sundays he attends FBC Newton, which is where my parents are members. At FBC Newton, no one claps ever. Even if the choir sings in tune and the pianist plays “Bring Back the Glory” like Vladimir Horowitz, no one claps. Except for Pappaw’s roommate. He sits alone in the front row and roars his applause after every impressive choral arrangement, organ accompaniment, or, god forbid, solo by the preacher’s wife. I want some faith like that.

This past Sunday, the preacher’s sermon was on “My Three Wishes for the FBC Newton.” (He is their interim minister … they have “run off” the last two or three for various reasons.) These were his three wishes:

1. That everybody there would find a good Christian husband or wife. This prompted a story about his courtship with his own wife and how he just “swang by her house on the way to seminary in New Orleans and took her without even asking.”

2. That everybody there would have some good Christian children. This wish (and he clarified the word “wish” by saying that he was using it as if it were a synonym of the word “prayer”) of course necessitated a story about his own kids, which included some discussion of their births. Somehow, the following story was also deemed important to tell the congregation: When his daughter was born, she didn’t look anything like him and so he made sure to ask the hospital staff if they were positive that she was their baby. While he was in the nursery discussing this with the nurses, a black man walked in and pointed to his new baby girl and said, “Well, you may not be sure of yourn, but that one over there is mine for sho – my wife burns everything.”

3. That everybody there would have some good Christian grandchildren. I don’t remember any particular story that went with this wish/prayer.

4. That the church would find a new preacher so that he could finally retire.

Quite a character.

The Goose stayed in the nursery with my aunt (The Apprentice’s mother-in-law) and did relatively well. Right after church we hit the road headed east then north and finally made it home last night around 7 p.m. Whew.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this series of ramblings as much as I have. I’ll be returning home to Mississippi in September for my class reunion and that is sure to inspire another round of people watching, stories and pictures, and more bitchiness.

Thanks for all your comments!

The End.