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The Domestic Terrorist Kim Laden Attacks the Terrarium

Yesterday at approximately 4:27 a.m. central standard time, the much-feared domestic terrorist Kim Laden carried out a deadly assault in a terrarium in Nashville, Tennessee. The victims included one nameless cricket and an anole named George the Lizard. According to her husband, Kim Laden was provoked by the cricket’s incessant chirping during the middle of the night.

The crime was perpetrated with a self-sharpening steak knife which had been partially blunted by a mishap in the dishwasher’s pots and pans cycle. The cricket was a farm-raised, medium-sized, $0.99/dozen variety, who hailed from The Aquatic Critter on Nolensville Drive. Kim Laden allegedly used the steak knife to decapitate the cricket and in the process nicked the tail of George the Lizard, also from the Aquatic Critter Store on Nolensville Drive.

An officer investigating the crime scene described it as “a bloody massacre.” A neighbor who refused to identify herself explained that there was already a petition in circulation which would effectively banish Kim Laden from the neighborhood. The woman also said that the petition originated from Kim Laden’s husband.

Authorities in Nashville are saying that this is the only time that Kim Laden has successfully carried out any of her sadistic attacks. According to NPD records, the police have been called to her home numerous occasions at the request of her husband, whom she has been attempting to eat since the birth of her son.

Currently, Kim Laden has been released on bail posted by her parents and is staying in a cave inside Radnor Lake State Natural Area. She has in her possession three Reba McEntire tapes (and a battery-powered jambox), a jar of peanut butter, and a manual breastpump (her electric one was demolished beyond recognition by Northwest Airlines and besides, there are no electrical outlets in caves). A nameless non-profit organization is accepting donations for the family and organizing volunteers to hike to the cave and retrieve the expressed breastmilk. For more information, log onto http://www.savekimladensfamily.org/.