Why I Moved into the Terrarium, Got Kicked Out, and then Got Even with a Lizard
I’d been thinking about it for a while. It was either there, a closet, or the bathtub. Here’s my thought process: George is an anole. He’s got it good. He eats, sleeps, sheds his wrinkly skin to reveal a beautiful new layer (and then eats it), poops, and hides whenever he’s feeling overwhelmed. It’s that last part that got me. A lot of times I wish I could just crawl under a leaf, eat something the size of my head, and sit for a while letting it digest. Especially when the baby won’t go to sleep and is playing in his crib at four in the morning. And even more especially when I'm feeling cold blooded (which is a lot lately).
Things I like about George. George goes to bed when it’s dark and sleeps all night. I don’t think George can hear the baby down in the terrarium. We feed George exactly what he wants whenever he’s hungry. George can camouflage himself so that no one can see him. He can climb up the glass walls of the terrarium and he can show his money and if you don’t know what that means then get a reptile book.
It was a tight squeeze with me and George but it would’ve worked. The problem was that George also gets fed spiders and there’s one in there that he either can’t catch or doesn’t want to. I told George it was me or the spider. George said he and the spider had a deal. They are both males without spouses. No one to nag them. No one to tell them to clean up their poop off the floor. No one to make babies that get up at four in the morning to play. I got the message loud and clear, but I didn’t take the news well.
George made me mad. I take care of him (and all the other men in this testosterone-ridden household)! I saved him from the yucky small, overcrowded terrariums at the Aquatic Critter store (imagine housing projects for lizards) and feed him free-range, antibiotic-and-hormone-free crickets from our backyard rather than the kind for $0.99/dozen at the store. I clean out his poop and give him fresh water. I even put a heater next to his terrarium to make the temperature more comfortable. And this is the thanks I get?
So I immediately started plotting to get him back. I was not about to let a reptile and his arachnid buddy have the last word about where I wanted to spend time inside my own house. I may still have to lie awake while the baby plays in his crib at four in the morning, but I will not live on a lizard’s terms.
I got into the car and drove down to the Aquatic Critter. I marched in there and said I want as many female anoles as you’ve got. They had seven and I bought them all, along with a few farm-raised, non-vegetarian-fed crickets and the biggest, ugliest female spider in sight. I came straight home and dumped the whole lot of them down into the terrarium. George and the spider exchanged looks. Then they both hid.
Ah the joys of getting even. And even better, now I have a little female companionship in this house full of males. I have girlfriends to talk to and companions to raise babies with. Now Brian knows what it’s like to have more kids without my actually having to give birth again. Now George knows who’s the boss around here.
But most importantly, I am no longer alone in my strange eating habits. Now we have nine Man Eating Monsters. Yippee!
Things I like about George. George goes to bed when it’s dark and sleeps all night. I don’t think George can hear the baby down in the terrarium. We feed George exactly what he wants whenever he’s hungry. George can camouflage himself so that no one can see him. He can climb up the glass walls of the terrarium and he can show his money and if you don’t know what that means then get a reptile book.
It was a tight squeeze with me and George but it would’ve worked. The problem was that George also gets fed spiders and there’s one in there that he either can’t catch or doesn’t want to. I told George it was me or the spider. George said he and the spider had a deal. They are both males without spouses. No one to nag them. No one to tell them to clean up their poop off the floor. No one to make babies that get up at four in the morning to play. I got the message loud and clear, but I didn’t take the news well.
George made me mad. I take care of him (and all the other men in this testosterone-ridden household)! I saved him from the yucky small, overcrowded terrariums at the Aquatic Critter store (imagine housing projects for lizards) and feed him free-range, antibiotic-and-hormone-free crickets from our backyard rather than the kind for $0.99/dozen at the store. I clean out his poop and give him fresh water. I even put a heater next to his terrarium to make the temperature more comfortable. And this is the thanks I get?
So I immediately started plotting to get him back. I was not about to let a reptile and his arachnid buddy have the last word about where I wanted to spend time inside my own house. I may still have to lie awake while the baby plays in his crib at four in the morning, but I will not live on a lizard’s terms.
I got into the car and drove down to the Aquatic Critter. I marched in there and said I want as many female anoles as you’ve got. They had seven and I bought them all, along with a few farm-raised, non-vegetarian-fed crickets and the biggest, ugliest female spider in sight. I came straight home and dumped the whole lot of them down into the terrarium. George and the spider exchanged looks. Then they both hid.
Ah the joys of getting even. And even better, now I have a little female companionship in this house full of males. I have girlfriends to talk to and companions to raise babies with. Now Brian knows what it’s like to have more kids without my actually having to give birth again. Now George knows who’s the boss around here.
But most importantly, I am no longer alone in my strange eating habits. Now we have nine Man Eating Monsters. Yippee!
posted by Kimpossible @ 3/10/2005 09:34:00 AM
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